him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.