me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.