Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
new shirt idea
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact