Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.