Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
yeah no that’s fair
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes