Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Ugh
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
He wanted to make sure😂
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.