the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
You Might Also Like
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
how it started vs how it ended
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.