wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The struggle is real.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed