if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Shower sex be like: