My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*pronounces patio like ratio
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?