That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.