Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Are we there yet?…
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.