Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Him: I鈥檓 a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I鈥檓 a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That鈥檚 really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
i don鈥檛 think the t-rex鈥檚 arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you鈥檙e sick and don鈥檛 tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
SCIENTIST: I鈥檝e written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I鈥檇 like to cure them all.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
PILOT: we鈥檒l be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.