I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Whoa 😂
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”