Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.