People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.