I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.