‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Haha good job!!
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Schrödinger’s cookie
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Breaking news:
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee