In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
A short story of betrayal:
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Love is in the air fryer.