Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
beware of dog
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?