Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Ferrari squats
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.