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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.