*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
You Might Also Like
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti