Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Worst perfume name ever.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My first son he is wonderful
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late