Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I already tried new things thanks.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.