What even happened today?
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.