My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
79.