Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Breaking news:
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Holy shit he’s back