therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
This kinda thing happens to me often
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.