Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close