Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking