Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
it was love at first sight
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.