Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You Might Also Like
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”