Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
You Might Also Like
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Friday
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
me when the borders lift
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.