And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus