My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.