We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.