If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
You Might Also Like
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna