Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.