Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?