My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
You Might Also Like
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
is this store having a stroke wtf
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?