Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
#ProTip
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
IT’S-A ME,
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational