3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
You Might Also Like
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
#growingpains
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.