FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
🙄😏😂🤣
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Who knew!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”