that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense