The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.