Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”