My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous