[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
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Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.