[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.